Have you ever been in a situation where you thought, I should have listen to that inner voice? You were invited to a friends birthday party a few weeks ago,when you wake up on the day of the party, you just think no I really don't feel like going there, am just lazy,...
How Do You Negotiate In Intimate Relationships? Is it manipulative, at all costs you will get what you want? It is your way or the highway? Is it bargaining? It's a Monday morning, an old friend confirms they are in town for one night on Friday night, and you have to...
Does Your Partner Remember Your Birthday? Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who forgets important dates? Birthdays? How do you feel about it? Do you think they forget because it’s not that important to them? Or they genuinely forget. In a relationship,...
Are you one of those people who think you are perfect? Every step you take is carefully calculated? Do you put yourself under pressure because you think people are always watching you and you must be a role model? You don't always have to be sure of who you are...
Are you one of those people who has been working for the same company for over 5 to ten years and feel like your career has not moved much? Do you feel like you have done everything by the book, you have been through university and gotten your first job and all seemed...
Are you one of those people who feels you always need to know things? Do you feel like if you don't know anything you are destined to fail? You are wrong. There is no shame in not knowing something. The shame is in not being willing to learn! In this ever changing...
Have you been faced with a situation where everything seemed to be going wrong, no matter how hard you tried, it doesn't work out! Its not your day! In the thickest of traffic bumper to bumper, you start smelling a burning clutch and you make a small prayer that its...
Have you ever been in a situation where you thought, I should have listen to that inner voice?
You were invited to a friends birthday party a few weeks ago,when you wake up on the day of the party, you just think no I really don’t feel like going there, am just lazy, when you think of the crowd of people that will be there, nothing excites you, you might just not even enjoy it?
Or something will go wrong!
You debate the whole morning whether you should just phone and let them know you wont make it, but the better part of you thinks maybe you must just go and drop off the present then leave, no need to stay for long! If you don’t go, it might send the wrong message!
So why bother they won’t even miss you anyway? They may not even be excited to see you? You think?
You thinking if you do go you might not feel welcome, but why are you beating yourself up why not just call and say you will not be able to make it, something actually came up! Your heart is really not feeling this!
Only to find out late that in fact there was that one person there who would have just spoilt your day, even worse there was a bad car accident on your way day!
What if you walk in and that ex you have secretly been trying to get over is at the party with his fiance’ and you are really you are horrified, this is the very last thing you need in your life right now.
You cant exactly turn and walk away it will be too much drama so you grin and bear it! You say hello to everyone and hang out for an hour then gracefully disappear, you are hurting inside and just want to scream!
Even worse you get a puncture on your way back from the party, this just confirms all your fears, you knew you should have not gone to this party in the first place!
Or you actually get to the party and actually enjoy the company actually, and you dance the night away.
The next day you wake up thinking, why were you even having second thoughts about going? You had so much fun and would like to go out more actually.
Question is, do you sometimes get the mixed feelings for no apparent reason? Is that your gut feel that you must follow, there has been times when it has been unfounded fears.
Or, is this the introvert in you trying to stay protected at all times and not wanting to mingle with others? Yes its normal for me as an introvert to feel like that! Finding someone to talk to and get you out of your over analysing brain, even when it is not necessary.
Surround yourself with positive energy.
How Do You Negotiate In Intimate Relationships?
Is it manipulative, at all costs you will get what you want? It is your way or the highway?
Is it bargaining? It’s a Monday morning, an old friend confirms they are in town for one night on Friday night, and you have to see them! You have not seen them in a very long time and need to catch up!
But there is no one to look after the kids while you catch up with your friend! Your partner has been busy the whole month working on board exams which are two weeks away, you know every hour counts for him! This is something he has been working really hard to get through.
And if he gets through your family financial life will change dramatically! Boy you cannot wait for this change only God knows how you have survived thus far. You need a miracle to meet your monthly financial needs!
Do you negotiate as equals? Compromise and find a cousin to look after the kids while you out?
Or do you throw a tantrum and he must make a plan for once? Oh you wish you could get a baby sitter just for a few hours, you need this session badly! You have been holding the family together for too long, while he has been busy, you think!
Funds have been tight for a while , getting a babysitter is a luxury you both know you cant afford! The kids are just too young to even think of living alone in the house, not that you haven’t entertained that thought 🙂
Your support system is 2 hours away, you either have to convince your baby sister to come visit for the night and pay for her train ticket to come through or your cousin who does not have children but is always happy on WINE every Friday night, a compromise for her would be to look after the kids but you must buy her 4 bottles of her favourite wine!
Which you secretly hope she will not polish off while “looking after your children” but then again, you will make sure to dish up for the kids before you leave and she just has to feed them right! That cannot be too difficult even in your drunken status!
So cousin confirms she will come through on Friday after work but you must have her bottles in the fridge cold so she can enjoy the night looking after your brats she calls them!
You cross your fingers that she actually rocks up at the agreed time of 17:30 looking a bit sober, but she cannot harm the kids, you have set the table already all she has to do is microwave the food and the kids eat.
When the door bell rings and she is at the door, you think, there is still hope out there! God Loves all of us while you quickly show her where all the food is and her beloved wine!
You quickly grab your bag and run out! You don’t want her to change her mind! This is not how life should be, you want to have more freedom to spend time with your children as well as go out with your friends when you want right!
Does Your Partner Remember Your Birthday?
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who forgets important dates? Birthdays?
How do you feel about it? Do you think they forget because it’s not that important to them? Or they genuinely forget.
In a relationship, if your partner forgets your birthday, does it mean they don’t care? Does it mean they have more important things on their mind? Or Your Birthday Is Just Not That Important to them!
On the day you wake up next to him excited he will be the first to say happy birthday, no he wakes up gets dressed and goes to work and goes about his normal day!
You left thinking this guy is the worst, he does not care about something so important to you!
You are horrified and crying in bed alone!
Your friends and family call you in the morning excited to wish you happy birthday, you are happy they made the effort but your heart hurts, the one important person in your life forgot your most important date in your life.
Yes you buy the cake and celebrate with your colleagues, you have lunch with your team and they ask you, so what are you doing for dinner?
You pretend as if you have plans deep down, you want to cry, you don’t know if he has made any plans or not!
Being the ever wishful person you think maybe, just maybe there is a ray of hope he has planned a surprise dinner!
Your day is going quite well but there is just that void you have and can’t tell anyone what’s going on!
The question is why are you even embarrassed to tell your friends your boyfriend forgot your birthday!!
Because its your birthday you want to go home early and go to the shops to get yourself a present. You have received beautiful flowers and lots of presents from your colleagues so you take them home.
When you get home you debate whether to make dinner or not as you still hope he has a surprise for you! You phone him and ask if you must cook dinner and he says “he has drinks with his friends after work” so he will be home late!!!!!
Clearly this guys just does not care, it’s not important to him . So you call a friend sobbing!!
You have learnt a lesson, next year, you will make your own plans and not involve him! When he gets home sees the flowers and says whats the occasion??? What are the flowers for? Really this guy is unbelievable! It cannot be love you think! Then he says oh sorry babe, I forgot!!! Why didn’t you remind me?
Are you one of those people who think you are perfect? Every step you take is carefully calculated?
Do you put yourself under pressure because you think people are always watching you and you must be a role model?
You don’t always have to be sure of who you are otherwise there would be nothing to discover.
Question is, Is it society putting you under the pressure or is it all in your mind?
Some people are raised in families where they are expected to be role models to their siblings and neighbors, they are carefully guarded around what they can and cannot do. They did their homework on time, got good grades and were behind closed doors protected.
Throughout their childhood they could not play in the streets and get dirty like other children, they were always clean and never put a foot out of place.
There are times when you have followed the rules by the book, gone to school, gotten the best jobs and and gotten married and raised a family as expected. but the question is, whose rules are you following are they yours or society?
You find people for years live the life that they think society wants them to be, but then start having a double life! It does get difficult to put up the appearances at time.
Why cant we accept that people will be true to themselves, we should not try to hide the real person. Does it not hurt to live a lie?
When someone follows their heart people tend to say its mid life crisis, is it perhaps not just the real person coming out??
The problem when your entire life has been on a pedestal is that when you put one foot out of place the person maybe so embarrassed and beat themselves up so much because they think it is the end of the world? Which for another very stable person would seem quite petty and nothing to write home about.
If this person accidentally has one too many cocktails at a function and has to be transported home as they cannot be trusted to drive themselves, when the find out what happened the next day they may be shattered and not want to see those people for months! For other people this seems like a scene they have seen so many times! It’s no big deal really.
If this person falls pregnant while still at university, this is seen as a family embarrassment, it has happened to a lot of other people! it is not the first time! Get up and raise the child as normal, yes its not ideal for some people but life happens!
This does not define your character, it is indeed just life!
Life is a constant adventure not knowing is half the fun!
Don’t be so hard on yourself for not having it together all the time, for not knowing all the answers. You don’t always have to be sure of who you are, otherwise there would be nothing left to discover.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing whats going to happen next.
The people who matter with always love you and support your decisions. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Create a life that you love and can thrive in! My mentors helped me to see life from a different angle.
That little child never really came out to play, they were always too uptight, at some point the real colors will come out!
Are you one of those people who has been working for the same company for over 5 to ten years and feel like your career has not moved much?
Do you feel like you have done everything by the book, you have been through university and gotten your first job and all seemed to be doing well.
It was your fist job so you gave it your all because you wanted to move up the ladder get into management position. That’s where the money is right! this is where you can get recognized and you can move higher places.
You have taken on the extra projects just so you can increase your knowledge. And also to be recognized as a hard worker. You put in the long hours, early morning and work late most evenings.You are a great team player! You never go home until the work is done, if you have to work on weekends you do so!
This environment is big on networking so you go all out, you take up the sports that everyone seems to be interested in, running cycling and OH playing golf, you have even subscribed to a golf club membership just so you increase your handicap right! That’s what everyone asks you about, whats your handicap!!
The corporate world is about being seen by the decision makers? So you make the time to go out for drinks with the team and you socialize!
You have a mentor and keep a monthly diary of catching up but your meetings are somehow magically cancelled at the last minute with reasons varying from impromptu meetings they have had to attend!! You take the time to thoroughly prepare for the meeting and points of discussion but you think its fine i will discuss them when I get a chance to see finally meet up!
Three six months go by and the meeting has not happened!
When you look around you there are people who have been in the same company for more than 15 years doing exactly the same job and they have not even moved departments, no you refuse to be one one those, you are ambitious, you want more out of life. You have mastered this position and its no longer challenging, but at least it pays the bills.
However, your career has not moved much in the last 5 years neither has your income actually! Every month it seems like there is more month than there is money available in your account to pay your bills
Are you being impatient, you ask yourself. Everything seems to have gone up in cost of living, The rental, school fees and transport money and the cost of food!
You have been applying for a few positions internally but you have not qualified for any of those positions. Its only natural to start doubting yourself and thinking maybe this is not where my career will be taken care of, I will not get to that senior management role and you start looking outside for other alternatives.
You are a hard worker, but why doesn’t anybody see that? Am I doing something wrong you ask yourself?
You have registered with a few placement agencies and no contact in over six months, when you follow up, you get the now usual “positions have been frozen at the moment, we will keep an ear out for you” The market is really stagnant right now be patient something will come up! It seems everywhere you look there is just no new prospects.
Your daily costs
The kids need transport money to get to school on a daily basis, you are also a bit behind on the school fees! There is no maintenance money coming from any of the children’s fathers, so there is no one to turn to!
You know of some parents in your situation they to hold 2 or 3 jobs just to be able to provide for their kids and it seems to be the only way to go you have been researching possibilities of starting a business that will not interfere with your current job but at least give you that extra income.
You dream about living a life on your own terms, shopping when you want to a and spending time with you kids when you want to is important to you!
Just maybe this will actually be the solution to help you out of the tight position you are in financially and also give you the freedom to even spend more time with your children. You work long hours and don’t get to spend much time with them.
Are you one of those people who feels you always need to know things?
Do you feel like if you don’t know anything you are destined to fail? You are wrong. There is no shame in not knowing something. The shame is in not being willing to learn!
In this ever changing world we live in it is not possible to know everything. Yes you can research all you want but somethings cannot be fully prepared for before hand.
Think about being a first time mother, you may have gone out and bought a whole library of books on how to raise a child, but once the child is born there are things that are just not written down, you will learn as you you go along, its all trial and error. If the baby does not sleep at night you will try many things that will eventually make the baby get comfortable and sleep.
The books are sitting in the baby room and not even touched in a while!
Next time you are faced with a situation that you don’t know something, take it as an opportunity to gain knowledge and grow as a person.
I understand its easier said than done but take a moment think about what this means in an everyday situation.Sometimes you feel you need to control the situation.
Remember when you first got your drivers licence, yes you had passed the test but you still made mistakes on the road and you learnt from them as you went along! Some things just need more practice.
Think about the last time you were upset because you did not know something anything? How did that situation make you feel? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Upset? Its ok we have all been there., What did you learn form that situation.
It may not have been something life changing but whenever we open ourselves to something life changing, we grow. Old housewives can teach you more about raining a child than any book can!
Make the most of what you have
Than focusing on the unknown. by doing this we give ourselves more opportunities for greatness and less opportunity to worry.
If you want to be more open to opportunities and learning, you shouldn’t cloud your mind about worrying about what is still to come, what you have learnt, what you don’t know! You will never know enough or too prepared! Practice, practice, practice!
Being at ease with not knowing is crucial for answers to come to you! When you open your mind to new possibilities you will be able to be more prepared for what you may not know.
I know that the unknown is frightening at times, but if you were to change your attitude about it the unknown can become a great adventure. We shouldn’t be ashamed of what we don’t know, no matter how significant something may seems to us, it is just a stepping stone in the skeem of things.
Look at where your life was a year ago from now, I know meeting my mentors who helped me learn list building has helped me understand that in life you will not know everything, but can surround yourself with people who can actually hold your hand when you need guidance. We must take what life throws at us and be open to learn from it.
Have you been faced with a situation where everything seemed to be going wrong, no matter how hard you tried, it doesn’t work out! Its not your day!
In the thickest of traffic bumper to bumper, you start smelling a burning clutch and you make a small prayer that its not your car! Law and behold a few minutes later you car is smoking and you have to do an emergency stop. And you have no one to assist you and you have to wait for help.
What are you thinking? Maybe its time to get a new car but money is too tight at the moment, you just barely getting by on your single mom income, with two kids to feed?? This is the very last thing you need right now.
You get to work eventually that meeting you set up will be over in 10 minutes over, you rush into the elevator thinking this will be quick at least your boss will see that you tried! And there are 10 other people in there, for some reason it seems the elevator is not moving fast enough next thing the lights go off it stops midway and you are stuck in there for an hour.
Maybe from now on you will take the five flights of stairs to avoid being stuck, that will be good exercise for you as you never have enough time to go to the gym anyway! Your boss is not impressed!!
You were blessed with a natural predisposition towards optimism
Without making any less of my good fortune I do work very hard to wrangle wayward, rebellious, dark thoughts into bow and rainbow shapes.
If my perspective can diminish pain I say yes, please. How do I need to look at this so that I suffer less?
I have learned that looking at the good is a good habit more than it is a character trait. I have two “go to” ways to get myself out of a funk in moments of despair. (They work if I can remember them.)
Say something makes me angry or frustrated. My insides rage. I hear a thousand indignant voices in the middle of which I try to slip in a question?
What is this here to teach me? I ask myself??
The notion that something was sent to me lovingly to be a teacher rather than an aggressor alters the angle that traps me so I can wriggle free.
As an added bonus occasionally I also learn something!
If you need to stand in line for two hours at the post office to renew my drivers license which expired 4 months ago, and you were sent a reminder, but decided to ignore it but now you are being stopped at every road block, so can’t get drive to work anymore have to take public transport. you tell myself maybe you need to learn a bit of patience and renew on time then I would not be in this predicament.
The second “go to” method that tends to work has to do with getting out of my own head.
The situation you are in totally sucks but there are other people in the world besides you, who have less than you have but still manage to smile. Anything you could be doing to make someone else’s life a bit better?
If bad things have to happen we might as well make ourselves useful. When you buy grocery for the week or month, buy extra and deliver at an orphanage, there is always someone who can use the little extra that you have and it would mean a lot to them.
If I had not my mentors, at the back of my mind I would have been thinking, if only I had another way of earning an income without having to put up with a boss who does not understand life happens and one cannot always be in control! That would allow me to spend more time with my children and not get stuck in traffic like it happened this morning!